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today i went to do rock climbing (where we actually climb a real, tall, solid rock)in the nature for the first time in my life. the result! bloody finger because one of my finger get cought in between the rock and because it is slipery i loose that grip and then the rock just slice open my finger.. what do i do with that? go down, meditate for a while (a.k.a panicking) get some tissue and stuff it in the wound, give some water to clean the dirt out of the wound, after 20 minute the blood dry up and you can see inside of my finger little bit. but the temptation of climbing still strong in my brain, so i decide to forget about it and start climbing again.

it hurt when i touch the rock, it is more hurt when i use the chalk to dry my hand . but it is fantastic!!! the view (although i am scare of hight) from the top is excelent. the greatest feeling from rock climbing is actually the senses of achiavement in one day. when you see the rock, you tell to your self`men there is no way i will climb those rock, where is the foot hold and the hand point?` then when you start to climb, you think `what the hell are you doing man!!` when you are in the middle of the rock face , you think ` man , i give up, it is too hard and to slippry…but what happend if i put my hand over there ? hmmm` when near the top, you are thinking `you nearly there man, just hold on…fine some easier rock to grip…but there is none..damn!! oke what ever you do just dont look down….hey i told you dont look down…damn it is high..oh my god help me !!!…hmmm i never test the safety rope before when i am close to the ground, what happend if the rope snap??? well that wouldnt be so bad after all..you do something that you love to do and no one will miss you anyway….`

when you touch the top, you feel something so good that it make you smile.

well it has been 5 months now since i left jakarta, what changes in my life? well right now i am confronted with 4 different scenarios; first continue to study in china either in nanjing or move up to beijing, second take the job opportunities in chongqing (which is in the middle of china), third move to saudi arabian where there is also another job opportunities( which is still skecthy) and the last one is move back to indonesia..honestly i dont really like all of them..back to indonesia for what? there is nothing for me there, no one who miss me, no house, no job, no nothing.  nevertheless i also dont like to stay anymore in china as i had enough of listening to chinese confersation every day.

what should i do when you reach 28th? all i know i dont want to be alone, but the harsh reality is you always be alone in this life..i want stability in my job, but i know i will be bored when i get that. ahhh i wish someone could tell me what to do now!!

yesterday, i dont like it so much.as my father preaching about marriage, and urge me to get married soon..well dad ..it is not that simple anymore!!!!!! there is no guarrante on married that is why right now since what happend in the past, i really start to believe that i will be single forever no body will be compatible to me…since i start to not believe the vertue of marriage anymore..why people get married ? who do we know we will be together forever? what happend if the ‘if’ factor play in the marriage life?

i guess you will get crazy thinking all of this…

anyway today its a hot day and i spend it all afternoon climbing a tower and running. the result! peil finger skin, sore arm, sore back, sore legs and super tired.

yesterday on the 30th may 2005,

well actually nothing special, just watching tv and then playing paint ball game with german fellow.

but when i arrive back into my room, i got this message from someone that i simply don;t know that it mean and why she send it to me. she knows that she mean something to me before and i try to move on cos i knows that i never mean something as much as she mean something to me. what should i do?